I feel grateful to have what my sponsor calls a mini-bestfriend. Today I came home from a meeting to someone who was truly excited to see me. She waved and waved at me from the top of the stairs. When I went upstairs to join her and play, well really she helped me make the bed, we rolled and giggled and cuddled together on the fresh sheets. I can't ask for anything more. I would have said "much" more but that would have implied that there is something more that I could ask for, even if just something small, but really I believe I can't ask for anything more. I've been given such a beautiful gift from the universe.
I heard a story today about someone losing their son to suicide by hanging. Whenever I hear stories about the loss of children these days, my heart just breaks. I feel my stomach harden and my breath stop. Tears threaten to spill out of the corners of my eyes. True love and one's actual vulnerability in the universe are experienced through having a child. I would not go back and change this decision in spite of the fact that now I have something huge to lose. As I was tumbling with her on the bed I thought, I'm going to simply be here now and enjoy being present with her. That is all that matters. If either of us only has a short time left on the planet, I want both of us to spend it wrapped in as much love as possible.
I highlight the fact that I would not go back and make a different choice, even though I am struggling so much these days with marriage, for a reason. Eve would not exist without the choices I have made. She is like the man and the little girl in A Beautiful Mind that remind Russell Crowe about his disease--they never grow old. Eve reminds me that the world is truly good and miraculous. In the midst of all the difficulty, I am reminded that if I perceive the world as only difficult and too hard to deal it is the fault of my perception, not an accurate read on life. Eve brings me back to reality.
And she brings me back to reality hard! In between the above writing and now, Eve woke from her nap screaming and then, when I went to cuddle her, promptly peed all over both of us. Like I said, she brings me back to reality!
As I was tumbling with her on the bed I thought, I'm going to simply be here now and enjoy being present with her. That is all that matters. If either of us only has a short time left on the planet, I want both of us to spend it wrapped in as much love as possible.
ReplyDeleteTalk about speaking the heart of "The Sacrament Of The Present Moment" (a 280-year-old text by a Jesuit priest, Jean-Pierre de Caussade). wow.
Reading your words, now four months old, i am hearing Paul Anka across three-and-a-half decades singing "the laughter and the tears/the shadows of misty yesteryears/...remember, will you remember/ the times of your life..." These ARE the moments you will remember.
About this, though...
True love and one's actual vulnerability in the universe are experienced through having a child.
...I don't argue for a minute that having a child is one way of experiencing that. But you might find this post worthwhile reading. I have to get it added to the "defining posts" list. And reading the comments on that post remind me of the good and faithful friends I have found "on the way." Brought some tears - some good tears - to my eyes.
Yours is a sacred trust. Eve's a lucky little lady.